Weekend Update #8

(I'm going to have to start splitting these up, or posting a mid-week update. The effort I go to for you people, and you just keep on writing.)

Victoria Strauss wants us all to warn gullible writers about an ongoing, ever-name-changing scam agent. Why would I want to do that? If your best writing is your signature on a cheque ...

The New York Times reports on librarians with no balls, feeling testy and getting their panties in a bunch, all because a rattlesnake took a bite out of a dog's scrotum. And that's the problem, in a nutsack. (Via Rake.) Agent Kristin weighs in on the ruckus.

NYT also advises on how to talk about a book you haven't read. Next week, how to pretend you wrote it.

Maureen Johnson explains How to be a Wannabe in Ten Easy Steps (she left out Writing).

Lee Goldberg's observations from a writer's conference reflect the old adage that it takes one writer to write, but it takes a village of hacks to make one feel talented.

What would you say if a writer told you they were afraid of publishing? Cary Dennis of Salon takes over 1,200 words to respond. I can do it in five: "Don't worry, it'll never happen". (Via Zooba)

Nathan Bransford opens the floodgates and asks people why they write. Every bullshit reason under the sun gets trotted out, kicked around and left on the lawn like a broken pink flamingo. Why won't you be honest? You write because you want intelligent people to pay attention to you, but you're too afraid of public speaking to become a politician. Admit it, move on. (Thanks to Heather for the shout out.)

Agent Kristin worries about piracy - the bootleg kind, not the wooden leg kind. You don't need to worry, you couldn't give your writing away if you put a bag of crack in it.

Speaking of stuff that doesn't affect you, Gawker reports that big advances for flash-in-the-pan books are shrinking. Unless you're legal-firm-receptionist hot. (Via Zooba)

Lori Perkins openly discusses just how painful the submission process has to be, before people cut back on the 30,000 submission she receives every year. Read the subtext, people. She's begging you to stop. Judging from the comments, people really do prefer to find out that their missing relative is actually dead.

The aptly named Dr Hack offers pointers on producing a cookie-cutter Phat Phantasy novel, even showing you where to get the cutter. You'll still have to do your own legwork on selling the fscking thing.