Axiom #2: Riddell's Law
Riddell's Law:
Any sufficiently developed incompetence is indistinguishable from conspiracy.
Writers find interesting ways to deal with the continuous stream of rejection slips that arrive on their doorstep, in envelopes they bought and stamped themselves. Some make little origami boats and hold races with their imaginary friends. Others build bonfires and dance naked around them, trying to make it rain in New York. Still others take the old adage too literally and actually try to wallpaper their spare room. And that's where their relatives find them, sometimes years later.
But the worst, most dangerous ones collect rejections in precisely organised folders, after the slips are analysed for fingerprints, hidden ciphers and tracking dots. They maintain files on each editor and agent, complete with address details, long-distance snapshots and the GPS coordinates of their office and mother's house.
They are the conspiracy theorists.
They don't read submission guidelines, but boy, can they read things into "not right for us".
They believe that agents and editors have the time and inclination to develop shared blacklists of authors who are "too radical" for the publishing world. They write impassioned scrawls on the back of the rejection slips about why the rejecter is wrong, on every count, and are obviously incapable of understanding the "laytent genies of theyre storie".
They cite poorly researched, inflammatory "stings" like the London Times conducted earlier this year, and Time Magazine 27 years ago, as evidence of the publishing industry's endemic incompetence (Of course they've never read Miss Snark's rebuttal).
Yeah, agents and editors have it in for new writers, and spend their days gleefully composing viciously subtle and obtuse rejection letters intended to eviscerate the ego with the razor of faint praise.
Of course, Microsoft, the Post Office, the cable guy and you and I are all part of the conspiracy. They blame anyone and anything for their failure, except their own craptacularity.
There are exactly three reasons why your submission was rejected:
- They have all the submissions/clients they can read/publish/represent right now.
- You sent it to the New Yorker when the obvious market is Penthouse Forum.
- It's shit.
If you have ever interpreted another reason from a rejection, you're a conspiracy theorist. Stop writing.
Some agents and editors do maintain their own, personal "auto-reject" lists of suspected conspiracy theorists. If you've ever replied to a rejection with anything other than "Thanks for your time," you're on the list.
